I envy my husband at times...he can pop a Mountain Dew, eat a cookie and be sleeping in 15 minutes. While I...well, I'm not allowed to have soda, chocolate or anything overly sugary after say...4:00 p.m. If I do, there is no rest for me.
I'm tired...exhausted from tossing and turning all last night...and my Ginger sits on my lap whining for release from wakefulness...but here I sit. I guess, I deserve it for downing that 12 ounces of Cherry Dr. Pepper with my bagel sandwich...bummer.
So, as happens many of these nights that sleep evades me...I sit and think. This time I think of nothing particularly in particular...just mentally counting my blessings I guess.
My mom is here to visit, and it's always stressful having her here. She is overly critical, pushy, strong and unintentionally mean...and completely and utterly wonderful. I miss her when she's away, and since the last time she was to visit was a year ago, I'm trying to savor the moments I get to have her here. She brings out a different side of Austin, and she is really getting to know Lizzie, Cassidy is a little less angry all the time -- I have more patience with the kids. D even feels a touch better with her around.
I never really was close to my mom, but tonight, we went for a walk, and it was really lovely -- I could have walked all night. The air was cool and moist on our skin, but not humid -- the conversation was light and happy, silly reminiscences, smiles and just sharing plain happiness of the moment. I made silent promises to myself to call her more often, and just chat (I've done better this year) to hear her voice and catch up on things that are important to her.
Somewhere along the line -- your mom becomes a person, and not just your mom...and it's really neat to see that. I feel like I've got this revelation on both ends, because somewhere along the line...your daughter becomes a person...and not just a kid. I watch Cassidy grow, and she truly is turning into a young lady...she's STILL a kid (as she was rambling off all the games she hopes to play this year for her 13th birthday party)...but she's just a shimmering glimmer of who she WILL be...and that is pretty cool. I know she'll be a person to me before I am to her...I just hope she doesn't wait as long as I did to see her mom as a person too.
So...with the revelations...with the time spent...with the laughter shared...with the moments savored...I'm going to try to sleep. My heart is full of blessings, and I couldn't honestly say that I'm anything but pleased.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Monday, April 2, 2012
Numbers...
Numbers are essential to our every day lives. Try to explain that to a child learning algebra, geometry or trig and they might just tell you that you're nuts, but it's true.
It's funny because numbers are complicated -- some are identifying -- addresses, phone numbers, social security numbers. Others are depressing (or delightful) depending on what they are attached to -- say a paycheck, or the cost of a newest want. Some are exciting and full of promise -- longitudes and latitudes, course numbers in college, weeks until you are due. Frightening -- stage 4, millimeters, miles. Essential -- times and dates. The list goes on and on and on...there is one set of numbers, that seem so far taboo though -- and it puzzles me as to why...though I have bought into the puzzlement.
The set of numbers attached to a woman's body -- dress size, shoe size, measurements, age and above ALL else...her weight. Even many women that are proud of their figures will hold steadfast to their weight -- not all -- some are more or less above the taboo...so...here's my attempt to go above the taboo.
February 2009: I looked down at the scale and was shocked at the numbers that stared back at me...I'd finally done it, I'd topped the weight that I had been when I was pregnant with my third child -- I had been 3 years NOT pregnant and I managed to somehow weigh as much as I had at full term with her...and then some. 185 pounds and it didn't look like I was going anywhere fast. I decided I needed to change, so I did. I went to the gym 3-5 times a week...and then my determination kicked in and I was there 5-7 days a week, a minimum of 50 minutes each visit. I was doing weights, and cardio -- it wasn't too long after working out that I noticed a fatty bump protrude in my upper left thigh -- my doctor let me know that it was a fatty lipoma and I could have it removed if it was bothering me. To me, this was a sad testament to how badly I'd let myself get out of shape -- so I chose to leave it, the more weight I lost, the farther out it seemed to protrude. I thought about naming it...I didn't -- instead I just kept working hard at losing the weight.
That summer, I worked even harder -- Zumba classes twice a day 4-5 days a week I was spending 10-12 hours at the gym a week...but you know what, I got down to a size 10 -- I wish I could remember what my exact weight was, but I can't. I was really proud of myself, I kept up the momentum as much as I could -- walked taller (as tall as a 5'3" girl can walk) -- and felt really good about myself.
October 24, 2009: I run a 5K! Thanks to Shelly (my amazing triathlete sister in law).
I finished college May 2010, and was very proud to still be in my size 10 -- I had let up on the exercise a little bit...with my senior work load, I was very busy between internships and more or less being a teacher.
Fast forward August 4, 2010 -- I received my key to MY classroom -- a very happy moment of my life the summer took it's toll on me, no prospects of a job, or even signs of an interview threatened depression -- and instead of working out, I found it hard to get out of bed some days...but I was still floating between my size 10 and 12 -- still fit in my interview pencil skirt. It's a stressful school, but being so thankful to be chosen for a classroom, I didn't care.
With stress, comes eating...and I did. I tried to compensate by heading to the gym a few times a week, vowing to myself to NEVER let me get that big again. The bump on my leg is still there and according to Darick getting bigger...I deny it -- but he finally convinces me to have it removed...it's time, besides the way I'm heading, I'm sure I'll make a new lipoma to take that one's place if I miss it too much. So February 4, 2011 -- I have it removed. Out-patient, and my leg is sore for the next two weeks, I'm walking like an idiot and everyone is asking me if I'm okay.
February 17, 2011: My followup appointment...if you are a doctor and you have news to tell a patient that is potentially life changing: I am begging you to please have someone come with them. Lie to them -- tell them you need someone to drive you home because we need to do a test or two that might leave you woozy, because NO ONE should hear the word "cancer" alone.
I thought it was a joke.
I don't remember all the other words, something about how they thought it was a lipoma, but it wasn't, looked different, hard shell, egg-like, they had to go back in, here's a pamphlet, call this number, I'm sorry...
I somehow made it home -- on the phone with Darick, barely choking the words out -- I remember sitting at little league practice feeling the breeze on my face for what felt the like the first time ever, watching the clouds, pond, grass...and just crying.
I've watched myself get fatter and fatter until now I'm just plain crazy obese. I feel sorry for me, because I have a million and one excuses under the sun WHY I'm so out of shape. Two surgeries -- so running and jumping has been out, standing for prolonged periods makes my entire leg swell up like a balloon..it's been a year, and I still have pain and the ugliest scar on my leg -- D says it's beautiful, he loves the ugly scar -- I can't stand to even touch it.
But that's besides the point -- the point is...numbers.
So, noticing that I'm sadly fat now, I did it -- for the first time in probably 2 years I've stepped on my scale and the shock of the numbers that popped up hurled me into a chasm of even MORE sadness -- the scale this morning said to me 203 pounds. Two hundred three pounds...and we all know morning weight is so much nicer than night time weight -- which by the way was 205 pounds. TWO HUNDRED FIVE POUNDS. Maybe that's not so bad for some, but for me at 5'3"?? I'm sure my BMI is way out of control -- maybe somewhere in the 40 range?
So -- some other numbers I need to start throwing around.
I've decided to walk at least 3.1 miles a day -- even if it takes the entire day to do it -- between walking my classroom, and walking the neighborhood in the evening, 3.1 is the goal each day.
I've decided to run another 5K in October -- that's six months from now -- I won't be in the shape I want to be, but I should be able to run another 5K by then.
I've decided to lose numbers off my pounds, numbers off my body parts, numbers off my calories -- because the only way to make my leg be able to carry more weight and be stronger is to work those numbers daily and get that leg stronger...
I need to hold myself accountable for those choices that I make, and this is a good place to help me do it. Day two of walking today -- I managed 3.2 miles of walking to day (and then some when the pedometer wasn't on me) -- I'm realistic, I do not expect to be swimsuit ready this year -- or even next, but I do expect to not be winded when I walk down the street again...and get below 200 pounds before the end of the month -- and hopefully below 185 before my birthday....I'll let you know how it goes.
So...
One year cancer-free and looking forward to getting back to me.
It's funny because numbers are complicated -- some are identifying -- addresses, phone numbers, social security numbers. Others are depressing (or delightful) depending on what they are attached to -- say a paycheck, or the cost of a newest want. Some are exciting and full of promise -- longitudes and latitudes, course numbers in college, weeks until you are due. Frightening -- stage 4, millimeters, miles. Essential -- times and dates. The list goes on and on and on...there is one set of numbers, that seem so far taboo though -- and it puzzles me as to why...though I have bought into the puzzlement.
The set of numbers attached to a woman's body -- dress size, shoe size, measurements, age and above ALL else...her weight. Even many women that are proud of their figures will hold steadfast to their weight -- not all -- some are more or less above the taboo...so...here's my attempt to go above the taboo.
February 2009: I looked down at the scale and was shocked at the numbers that stared back at me...I'd finally done it, I'd topped the weight that I had been when I was pregnant with my third child -- I had been 3 years NOT pregnant and I managed to somehow weigh as much as I had at full term with her...and then some. 185 pounds and it didn't look like I was going anywhere fast. I decided I needed to change, so I did. I went to the gym 3-5 times a week...and then my determination kicked in and I was there 5-7 days a week, a minimum of 50 minutes each visit. I was doing weights, and cardio -- it wasn't too long after working out that I noticed a fatty bump protrude in my upper left thigh -- my doctor let me know that it was a fatty lipoma and I could have it removed if it was bothering me. To me, this was a sad testament to how badly I'd let myself get out of shape -- so I chose to leave it, the more weight I lost, the farther out it seemed to protrude. I thought about naming it...I didn't -- instead I just kept working hard at losing the weight.
That summer, I worked even harder -- Zumba classes twice a day 4-5 days a week I was spending 10-12 hours at the gym a week...but you know what, I got down to a size 10 -- I wish I could remember what my exact weight was, but I can't. I was really proud of myself, I kept up the momentum as much as I could -- walked taller (as tall as a 5'3" girl can walk) -- and felt really good about myself.
October 24, 2009: I run a 5K! Thanks to Shelly (my amazing triathlete sister in law).
I finished college May 2010, and was very proud to still be in my size 10 -- I had let up on the exercise a little bit...with my senior work load, I was very busy between internships and more or less being a teacher.
Fast forward August 4, 2010 -- I received my key to MY classroom -- a very happy moment of my life the summer took it's toll on me, no prospects of a job, or even signs of an interview threatened depression -- and instead of working out, I found it hard to get out of bed some days...but I was still floating between my size 10 and 12 -- still fit in my interview pencil skirt. It's a stressful school, but being so thankful to be chosen for a classroom, I didn't care.
With stress, comes eating...and I did. I tried to compensate by heading to the gym a few times a week, vowing to myself to NEVER let me get that big again. The bump on my leg is still there and according to Darick getting bigger...I deny it -- but he finally convinces me to have it removed...it's time, besides the way I'm heading, I'm sure I'll make a new lipoma to take that one's place if I miss it too much. So February 4, 2011 -- I have it removed. Out-patient, and my leg is sore for the next two weeks, I'm walking like an idiot and everyone is asking me if I'm okay.
February 17, 2011: My followup appointment...if you are a doctor and you have news to tell a patient that is potentially life changing: I am begging you to please have someone come with them. Lie to them -- tell them you need someone to drive you home because we need to do a test or two that might leave you woozy, because NO ONE should hear the word "cancer" alone.
I thought it was a joke.
I don't remember all the other words, something about how they thought it was a lipoma, but it wasn't, looked different, hard shell, egg-like, they had to go back in, here's a pamphlet, call this number, I'm sorry...
I somehow made it home -- on the phone with Darick, barely choking the words out -- I remember sitting at little league practice feeling the breeze on my face for what felt the like the first time ever, watching the clouds, pond, grass...and just crying.
I've watched myself get fatter and fatter until now I'm just plain crazy obese. I feel sorry for me, because I have a million and one excuses under the sun WHY I'm so out of shape. Two surgeries -- so running and jumping has been out, standing for prolonged periods makes my entire leg swell up like a balloon..it's been a year, and I still have pain and the ugliest scar on my leg -- D says it's beautiful, he loves the ugly scar -- I can't stand to even touch it.
But that's besides the point -- the point is...numbers.
So, noticing that I'm sadly fat now, I did it -- for the first time in probably 2 years I've stepped on my scale and the shock of the numbers that popped up hurled me into a chasm of even MORE sadness -- the scale this morning said to me 203 pounds. Two hundred three pounds...and we all know morning weight is so much nicer than night time weight -- which by the way was 205 pounds. TWO HUNDRED FIVE POUNDS. Maybe that's not so bad for some, but for me at 5'3"?? I'm sure my BMI is way out of control -- maybe somewhere in the 40 range?
So -- some other numbers I need to start throwing around.
I've decided to walk at least 3.1 miles a day -- even if it takes the entire day to do it -- between walking my classroom, and walking the neighborhood in the evening, 3.1 is the goal each day.
I've decided to run another 5K in October -- that's six months from now -- I won't be in the shape I want to be, but I should be able to run another 5K by then.
I've decided to lose numbers off my pounds, numbers off my body parts, numbers off my calories -- because the only way to make my leg be able to carry more weight and be stronger is to work those numbers daily and get that leg stronger...
I need to hold myself accountable for those choices that I make, and this is a good place to help me do it. Day two of walking today -- I managed 3.2 miles of walking to day (and then some when the pedometer wasn't on me) -- I'm realistic, I do not expect to be swimsuit ready this year -- or even next, but I do expect to not be winded when I walk down the street again...and get below 200 pounds before the end of the month -- and hopefully below 185 before my birthday....I'll let you know how it goes.
So...
One year cancer-free and looking forward to getting back to me.
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